Sandy

 

Sandy

 

If I could just see my baby girl 

trotting across the lawn,

tennis ball in her mouth,

brass tags jingling--

Pretty little white paws,

sad eyes so happy,

so glad to see me...

If I could just say to her again,

"You're the best baby

in the whole wide world--

and everybody knows it.

Everybody knows that

you're the sweetest little baby

in the whole wide world..."

If I could just smell her

(after a bath, of course,)

touch her little black toenails,

feel her soft warm ears--

fluff up her bed,

kiss her furry cheek,

and give her a cookie...

If I could just fly away

to wherever she is and 

stop feeling this way,

or at least tell her

I'm feeling this way--

She would put her paw on me,

and try to lick me.

Even though I know lots of

people who have it way worse, 

way way harder than this--

I'm still going to cry, because

she was the sweetest,

cutest, best baby 

in the whole wide world.

Linda

 

 

Whirling, whirling about in a multicolored paisley abyss,

Once again I have lost my bearings.  I need more time.

It is the seventies.  I am twelve.

Her sunlit face, long blonde hair sparkling in her happiness.

That must have been a good day, the day he took that picture.

Quite photogenic.  I didn't appreciate her beauty until now.

I just woke up.  It is 2023.

Why didn't I...?  But I found the letters.  I did try.  

It wasn't easy for either one of us. 

We both loved my dad.  We had that in common.

What invisible concrete block wall kept our hearts apart?

We weren't close.  I regret that very much, however,

Nothing can change that, not even the weird fantastic hopes and dreams

That never emerged from some unknown depths within me until now.

Difficulty

I wish to say something, but feel like a baby bird. I cannot speak, but only cry out in little peeps--I need...need...need...

I feel like a small child in my heart.  I am disoriented, lost, undone.  

My dad is gone.  The shock of it, several times each day, hits me like a wave, even after six months.  

More thoughts than I can number have come through me since this happened.  He was the biggest part of me, I think.  Even more so now, I think.  Time seems to stand still.  The leaves are falling but to me it is still spring.

I truly believed he would always be here.  That he would never really leave.  He had beaten death so many times over the years.  On some level I thought he was immortal.  

My world has become an empty thing.  Even if I did not show him my achievements, I could have.  And now I can't. So I don't care about them anymore.  They are meaningless.

I had my dad for a very long time, and did not appreciate the opportunity. This is the guilt I feel.

My grief is interrupted.  I feel that I do not deserve it, that I have not earned the right.

I am so very, very sad. 

He would not like me being this way.  But I love him so much and I just can't help it.

Something to Consider, Part One

 

Most people, when asked if they will go to heaven, say, "Yeah, I'm a pretty good person." Some would even say that they are not a sinner.  But what is sin, and who defines it?  If there is a God who created us, isn't he the one who makes the rules?  If we think we make the rules, that is pride.  If we think we are the judge, that is pride. Guess what? God hates pride.  Here you can find a myriad of verses to back this up:       https://www.openbible.info/topics/pride 

But, suffice it to say, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” --James 4:6c

Everyone understands that when you enter into a court of law, you are not the boss. You don't just go waltzing up to the judge any way you please. You have to abide by the rules. You don't make up the terms.  If we accept this human system of authority as being reasonable, how do we find it unreasonable that the creator of the universe has authority over us, and makes the terms of how we can come to him, what sin is, and what is acceptable to him? *(credit to my friend, Shushma, for this analogy)

If  you deny there is a God, or you deny the God of the Bible, then you are going to make up your own rules, live by them, and die by them. You may not believe, but the Bible reveals a God who is so interested in you that he has revealed himself--through creation; through his word, the Bible; and through his son, Jesus.

Help for Depression

 

Hello.  I hear things are still not going well for you.  I am sad about that.  I know others who are going through the same thing. If only you can hang on, I believe that things will get better.  Sometimes you have to slog through life and it is so bad, and so hard, and it feels like it will never change.  What you cannot see yet is that it will change.  You have to hold on to hope. 

Have you ever heard this: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  The darkness is not all there is.  There is light, you just aren't seeing it clearly right now.  You must not let yourself close out the light anymore.  You have to gain some footing.  It is up to you.  You have to fight. 

I am talking to you as a fellow sufferer of depression.  I have battled with it most of my life, and I battle with it still, but I will not let it take me down.  I am going to share with you some practical weapons you have against depression.  They may sound trite.  I would tend to be one to overlook such simple-minded stuff.  But I have learned that no matter how smart I am, my brain, in some ways, is a broken instrument.  I have had to humble myself to listen to the advice of others who have gone before me. 

Here is my advice:  Really try these things.  Ponder them also, but mainly, do them.

1. Make your bed.  Boy, does that make no sense.  Do it anyway.  (Advanced: Wear something decent, and not what you wore yesterday.)

2.  Put your shoes on.  If you have a family rule against wearing shoes in the house, please ask for/make an exception.  It is important.

3.  Eat normal, healthy, regular meals.  You know what that means.

4.  Get outside. Look up at the sky, when it's not gray.  When the sky is gray, it is a great opportunity to see more clearly everything else.  Look for beauty, things that make you happy.  Like maybe a flower growing through a crack in the sidewalk, or a squirrel.  Birds make me happy.  Listen to sounds around you.  Breathe deeply.  Feel the air on your face. 

5.  Do the next right thing.  In each moment, there are decisions to make.  Do not choose to do what will keep you down.  Choose to do what you know is right.  It can be the simplest things, like just walking the dog instead of ignoring him, or cleaning up dishes instead of leaving them. Step by step is how we learn to live a better way.

6.  Help others.  Maybe that means seeking something out, like volunteering, or visiting people who are lonely.  Maybe it means doing some housework or yard work for someone else.

7.  Live one day at a time.  For me, this means one minute at a time.  I can do nothing about the past and have no control over the future.  This is extremely important for me.  I need to be present.  I can deal with this exact moment that I'm in.  I can cope with it.  Just this one moment, none of the horrible stuff I imagine is happening.  I am just here, now.

Maybe you already know all this stuff.  But if any of it is new, or if you've forgotten about it, please try it.  Pretty much all of it is the opposite of what I feel like doing.  This is the point.  My brain is a broken instrument.  I need to listen to others, and just do what I need to do.  Otherwise I go down into the pit.  I'll admit, sometimes I want to.  But listen, self-pity is a trap.  I am not accusing you of self-pity.  I know that what you are going through is real.  But I say to myself, for my own survival, do not fall into that trap.  And when I do, I need to get out right now.

Please remember how much you are loved.  And when you go to bed each night (at a decent hour, so you can get up early and put on your shoes) think about all the good things you did that day.  No matter how small, think about them, and be thankful.

Kitchen Dreams

For reasons unknown, scattered around the walls above my kitchen counters (where nowadays one might likely find subway tile backsplash) are nine electrical outlets. Yes, I said nine.  The room is not enormous, maybe about 12' x 15.' A puzzling problem for some, perhaps, but for me, not a challenge.  

I already had at least nine 5" x 7" pictures, nicely framed, brought from my last kitchen, where there was a similar situation. I hung these pretty little pictures on pushpins over each outlet, making things much more pleasant for me in the room where I spend so much time.

Each one of these artworks has a special meaning to me. The one I've included above is actually a card, given to me by my husband, Ron. It represents a little bit of a dream we have. Wouldn't it be nice to be in that picture, just the two of us, someday...

A Day in the Life of a Bumbling Christian

I woke up this morning at 6:30 a.m. to my husband's very loud phone alarm.  He was nowhere in sight. My phone alarm was set for 7 a.m., so I was perturbed. But then I thought, "Well, maybe God is helping me to actually get up on time.  I do not want to start this day yelling at Ron. Plus, now I can sleep another half hour." I felt pretty good about how I handled that.

When I did get up, I moseyed downstairs and Ron was outside with the dog, playing in the snow.  I read the 3 x 5 note card I had put on the fridge:
Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.--Psalm 141: 3.
I had been thinking for a few days that I should look at that more often, maybe even memorize it.  I took it down from the fridge and brought it to the dining room table, where I do my Bible study and prayer.

Ron came in, all bundled up.  Sandy was bouncy and happy.  As Ron was putting away his things, I mentioned to him from the other room that he had left his alarm on, and that it had woken me up.  He muttered something I didn't hear, so I went around the corner to where he was, and he repeated that he thought he had turned the volume down.  Promptly forgetting the Bible verse I had just read, I told him that he had not turned the volume down, that it was really loud, and that I have asked him several times in the past to turn his alarm off when he got up.

Onward.  A little later, Ron was eating his microwaved egg and I was asking him something, I don't remember what, and he bit his tongue--really bad.  He snapped at me, because I made him talk while he was chewing.  I can understand that. When I get hurt, sometimes I do the same thing. But, forgetting the verse AGAIN, I retorted, "Hey, don't blame me!  It's not MY fault you bit your tongue."

I sat down, repentant, at my Bible.  There I found my directions. THIS was what I was supposed to be doing with my mouth, my heart, my whole being. The words of the Psalm I read were glowing bright with beauty and hope.  I copied them down in my notebook:

O give thanks unto the Lord; call upon his name: make known his deeds among the people.

Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him: talk ye of all his wondrous works.

Glory ye in his holy name: let the heart of them rejoice that seek the Lord.

Seek the Lord, and his strength: seek his face evermore. --Psalm 105:1-4

I was so encouraged! But then got distracted, thinking about the New Testament I was going to give my friend.  It was a hardback Ryrie Study Bible I had found at the library used book store. She had a Bible, but it had no footnotes or references, so I was going to give her that one. What distracted me was the thought, "I bet it doesn't have the Psalms." A lot of times New Testaments include the Psalms, which are a part of the Old Testament, but I didn't think this one did.

I went over to where I had placed it, on a shelf near the door, where I put things I don't want to forget.  What I DID forget, however, is that the dog's water bowl is on the floor, right next to that shelf, and that you should never, EVER put a book you care about in the exact spot where I had set that Ryrie New Testament. Splash.

I spent the next 45 minutes drying every page with a hair dryer. I can't stand to throw a Bible away.  But I couldn't give it to my friend, and I didn't have another one to give her.  Sure, I could go online and buy one, but then you don't know what it's going to be like--the paper quality,  is the font readable, are the pages too thin...?  I decided to go back to the library book store.  They are open on Fridays.

You never know what you'll find at a used book store.  I hoped I could find something acceptable.  Also, I had recently given away a very readable softcover Gideon's New Testament & Psalms, and I wished I had another one of those for my friend. She wanted to give one to a guy who was pursuing her. So I had my eyes open.

I'll confess I wasn't too hopeful. I brought my son along, and we were going to pick up a movie and stop by our favorite coffee shop afterwards.  He did find a fun Ragtime Blues Guitarists book, featuring sheet music for "Rabbit Foot Blues," by Blind Lemon Jefferson, "Police Dog Blues," by Blind Blake, and many others by Blind Boy Fuller, Blind Willie McTell, and a few other guys who might not have been blind, as they were not called so.

After perusing the Bible/Hymnal/other religions shelves for a few minutes, what appeared before my eyes made me literally laugh out loud.  It was EXACTLY the same Hardback Ryrie Study Bible New Testament that I had just drowned!!! I could not believe it!  I was so excited, I ran up and told the girl at the counter, who could not have cared less. I looked up and smiled.  "Thank you, Father,"  I said happily, still amazed.

I then decided to seek out a second New Testament, suitable for my friend to give to her would-be suitor.  Studying the shelves just long enough to begin exasperating my son, I spied a thin blue softcover, pulled  it out, and...it was the SAME Gideon's New Testament & Psalms I had recently given away, the EXACT one I had wanted for my friend's admirer!  Hohoho!!!  What an incredible day!

  

I will sing unto the LORD as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.

My Meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the LORD. --Psalm 104:33