Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Well, that was quick. School is back in. Still struggling though, mostly with death. I know, I feel like Woody Allen. And yet, I wonder, how can anybody not struggle with it? It just gets close enough to think about, I guess, at a certain age. Or a certain level of tiredness. Or maybe it's that a lot of people and things that were important in my life aren't here anymore, and it diminishes my connection with this world.
It is weird to have a limited amount of time left here and yet to be squandering hours away. Well, not really weird, more like scary. My oldest son is on his way back to Afghanistan. The last time he was there God gave me such a peace the entire time; it can only be explained in those terms. This time I am sad, because he leaves behind a wife and two kids. They have a great attitude about it. I know he is only doing what he signed up to do. I'm just proud that he signed up to do it at all.
My other son is finally getting his art career off the ground, I think. And I am proud of that too. I knew he had the talent to do it, but it takes risk and persistence as well. He was here for several weeks this summer. Unfortunately it was the hottest most miserable summer I remember, literally, in all my life. It was good for him to spend time with his little brothers. It was good for them too. I got to reconnect, at least from my point of view, with my son who had become such a stranger. I love him too much.
I love them all too much. I am a spoiler mom. Not proud of that.
We have been looking into moving. Spending money on the prospect too. I hate wasting money. Funny that I do it all the time. I am really not clear on our future. I had been feeling rather depressed. But yesterday for some reason I got on YouTube and was listening to Andy Griffith singing "I'll Fly Away." It made me smile, because he did recently do so. And then I listened to Alison Krauss singing the same, which led me via sidebars to her version of "Beulah Land," a song I never before understood.
The hopelessness of this life has been leading me to nothing but dead-ends...Even though I have EVERYTHING a person could want on this earth...
"I'm kind of homesick for a country
To which I've never been before.
No sad goodbyes will there be spoken
for time won't matter anymore.
Beulah Land, I'm longing for you
and some day on thee I'll stand.
There my home shall be eternal.
Beulah Land -- Sweet Beulah Land"
And I realized where I need to be looking, on what horizon, and it awakened joy in my soul, like sunlight slipping through a cracking door.