Christmas thoughts

I am easily confused. I remember in abnormal psych in college, they said something about how schizophrenics, I think, either focus in too much on the tiny details of everything so they get overwhelmed and confused, like everything is fragmented; or they overgeneralize and have a grandiose, oversimplified, skewed view of the world. Well, I can actually relate to both those points of view.

In an English class we were reading Sylvia Plath's poetry and there was one where she was terrified by the redness of some flowers. We were talking about, "what does that mean?"...the endless speculation of college students...Anyway, I didn't have to think about it, I already felt it. I knew just what she meant. It made perfect sense to me. But I couldn't explain that to my classmates. To me it was just, "duh." I actually don't know how I ever got good grades in college.

Anyway, I am not trying to say I'm psychotic or anything, though of course as an over-drinking, self-absorbed college student I probably thought so. But it hasn't actually panned out that way. I'm just your average borderline neurotic suburban housewife. But I am confused. I do have a problem with sorting out just which details are important and which are irrelevant.

Like, just in framing a picture--Do I want the hawk in the view or the extra small barn...a front angle or a 3/4 view, include the feet or go for a close-up? This is why I love digital cameras. You can take a hundred photos of something and then just delete the ones you don't want when you see them enlarged right on your computer screen. Same thing with writing on the computer...it's a breeze. But not everything is digital.

I get overwhelmed easily and am extremely disorganized. I have a lot of trouble categorizing things. I will literally get rid of things I could actually use just because I can't figure out how to store them. You should see my tupperware cabinet. Yes, a whole cabinet devoted to tupperware, well, and office supplies, aprons, and dish towels. And yes, it's a mess. Every once in a while I will straighten it all out, stacking the little containers in their matching rows along with the proper tops--after weeks of just whipping the stuff in there randomly and slamming the door shut before it can all topple out. My husband always compliments me when I organize the tupperware cabinet. Now, he is a Peach.

But anyway, I have trouble with people. My emotions are, and have always been, way too big for me. I love people so much, but I'm also terrified of them. When I was little I didn't like pictures, like artwork, that had people in them. I felt that the people ruined the picture. Funny. And that was before I became antisocial (largely due to school bullies). But now my favorite artwork is portraiture. In fact I was trying to do portraits for a while, in pastels. I really liked it. People are so fascinating, so complex. Every single person is so amazing--The many facets and the whole picture.